Next time you name your dog:

Think about the horrible life this child would’ve gotten if the same naming logic was used:

You’re welcome, future dogs.

Oh, mr. Copy-Paste, I love you so.

Knowledge is power, my dear reader. With the knowledge presented in this article, you too could earn the power of turning everything you say into an ambiguous, cheesy lyrics that will make girls think you desire them.

Welcome my reader, to:

(warning: using this guide might result in you becoming a creep and dying alone)

Part1: Sleaze up

No-one will suspect the average guy of being ambiguous. People should know from the start that you’re going to be unclear. And you can let them know that, by looking like a sleazy douche.

But why will it work, the skeptic reader may ask. The idea behind it is that while your looks will be the one of a very, very sleazy guy, her good education will not allow her to judge a book by its cover. Thus, the dance of ambiguous words and confusion can commence.

Facial Expression

By applying a small smile and lowering your eyelids just a little, you will achieve the magical “I’m So Sexeh” expression. The expression, combined with the other tools presented below, will let the girls know that they shouldn’t take anything you say too literally. They should, instead, treat it as a sexual harassment. The diagram below shows the right amount of smile and eyes that should be used in order to achieve this look:

Wearing Accessories

There are two approaches for this. One is called “Peacocking” – wearing attention-grabbing items. It is used by professional girl hunters to break the ice. Namely, by getting girls to point at them and laugh.

The other is to look like a complete douche. Which is exactly what we are trying to do here.

Now you’re ready to go into that pub and start talking unclearly to members of the opposite sex. The next part will show you how to do it.

Thank you for reading part one of Cheesify.

This one is dedicated to SO many people. But especially to your mom.
Thanks to Nathan “Relvox” Dortman (obviously) and to Ze’ev for their help, and thanks to Kim for the help with the background.

We interrupt this blog for a word from our sponsor:

Ideas are welcome. Good ideas may find themselves angrily shouted by this very mob.

We’ve all been there – falling asleep at a game of cricket, when suddenly we spot a fair-skinned lady, holding her parasol and waiting for the game to end.
Should I approach her, you think. There are many courtiers on her doorstep. And her father won’t approve you anyway. And even if I do approach, what should I say?

It is time to put your insecurities aside and strike a conversation with her. Below are some first-liners to get you started, Victorian style:

The romantic approach

The casual approach

The straight-forward approach

The “you should date me ’cause I’m rich” approach

The really bad pickup line approach

Credit goes to Nathan “Relvox” Dortman for this one.

If used correctly, any of these sentences could get the conversation going. It is only a matter of time then, until you hear what you want to hear (and let’s face it, that’s what you want to hear):

Since the time I stopped repressing my memories I was very, very fond of this whole dirigible thing. Like obese, steel-reinforced robo-whales, they cruise the sky, moving monocle-wearing posh people from one tea party to the other.

Or at least, that what should’ve been. One Zeppelin goes down in flames, and the next thing you know they put all their efforts in those fancy shmancy aeroplanes, with their “speed” and “massive payloads”. I mean, look at them! They’re not supposed to fly!

For those of you who don’t dig this dirigible idea straight away, here are several reasons why they can use your average airplane as crumpets. Metaphorically speaking (the diagrams below are not drawn to scale, as dirigibles tend to dwarf everything else with their awesomeness):

1. You can fly with your window open

In addition to enjoying fresh air without being sucked out of the window to the Freefall of Death, this opens many other options:

2. It’s not a metal tube with wings

3. More efficient for multi-leg flights

This is how you should board a vehicle, and damned be the complaints of those first-class passengers. If it works at the movies it should work for them too:

4. Works as an anti-pigeon battleship

5. They handle empty fuel tanks much, much better